Day 20 Catching up

Catching up....

well, not really good news.

Last week I went way off the wagon, so far that I began to eat for entertainment.
It started with a dinner from Balfor with the other franchisees, so I indulged.  Great steak, flowing wine, etc.
But I kept eating.

I know why- it is purely frustation.  This is so dumb. I get frustrated with people in my life and eat. When will I figure this out?


I think it is how I am wired. I will never forget my old friend LB who never would eat until her house and kids were calm. She was so thin. But she also told me she was not a 'huggy' kind of person. Even her own child.

So, I guess I am thankful for the warmness I have in relationships. But if all relationships don't measure up I turn to food. The two edge sword.

I think a lot of it is guilt. People aren't the way I think they should be so I take it personally. If I was a better person I could change them. They aren't bad enough to be bad, but just incredibly frustrating. How to live on a daily basis and feel happy, warm, and secure instead of having to put up walls because I am constantly being hurt and usually they don't even know they are huriting me. Argh.

I am praying through  a consecration to Mary, I will turn this over to her as well.

And I know my sons are watching. They are very intuitive. I have had confirmation in so many of my thought through them.  How do I handle this? With love? Selflessness?  They are watching.

As to food. Yes I like eating intuitviely, but often my intiion is askew as shown above.
I like MF but am at that point where my body is craving other food, too.

Will mix both, but need to help myself get used to portion size.

be more active.

When I am tired down, as son #1 says, just shake it off and keep going. Change my own mood. Will try that, too.

Day 14: Launching PHASE 2

What is Phase 2?

This is the point I always get to when I am working on eating healthy and exercising seriously.

I lose a little, feel better, then fall back..

Last night I fell back.  All the old temptatons.

So, now I need to regroup.

Remember HOW GOOD I FEEL when I am eating well!  How less food feels better, too much food feels bad.

Enjoy my workouts.
Enjoy how my clothes are fitting.

That is Phase 2

Day 13- my little CP t fits now.. mostly

Ok today I was able to wear my little CollegePlus capped sleeve t shirt.  A few rolls around the middle left, but before I could NOT wear it...  so this is good!

Last night went to Dave and Busters with guys for the networking meeting a had a couple of delicious beers with John and ate well. Had a salad and nibbled on his steak and onion rings (only a few)
OUt really late.

Got up this am and did JZ, but took it easy as I am tired and I pushed it hard Mon and Tuesday.

Today I am going to go for another Perfect Day and drink lots of water.

Ok.. I am in the Danger Zone!

This happens every time I start to lose weight.

I take some off, feel so much better as I had been just about bursting through my clothes before and think to myself

a) HOW COULD YOU have been even heavier than you are at this minute? You are still heavy but imagine how you must have been 2 weeks ago. Beat myself up.

b) Lose a little more and feel so much better that I fall off the wagon and gain it back and more.

I need to keep going, so I can remember what it feels like to be where I was a year ago.

Never never never never never never give up!

Day 12- The Payoff Begins!

Ok, my Almost Perfect Day is paying off.

I woke up this morning feeling lighter, tighter, more energy. A bit hungry, but that is good.
I used to hate the feeling the next morning after I ate too much the night before.

Went to Jazzercise and though I still have rolls... in the middle.. my clothes are not so tight. Also, I am feeling stronger. I feel my muscles when I walk, bend, stretch.

As I gained weight and lost muscle tone this past year, I was duping myself into believing I felt like I did because of age. That is not true.

Shaving off fat and building muscle makes me feel 10 years younger. Maybe because when I abuse my body with excess bad food and drink, it is rebelling, it is sad and trying to deal with all the garbage I put in.

It is as if it is saying "Give me a chance!"

And why do I abuse it? Feelings, emotions, sheesh. That is it.

So, if I can continue to give myself some healthy, happy structure I will keep feeling better.

Gosh.. I am almost starting to dream of wearing the 90% of the clothes in my closet that don't fit.

Just to pull something out and pop in on and not worry about hiding rolls of fat and jiggly parts. What freedom!  Go Cindy!


NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP!
:)

Day 11, My (Almost) Perfect Day

Ok, today I am going for one Perfect Day, just to see how it feels.
No, I am not trying to be perfect or do every day perfect, but just one to see how it feels.

Do I feel better?
Is this the right amount of calories/exercise?
Will the motivate me to keep on this track?

Here is the working definition of "perfect"

• Good workout

• 8 glasses of water

• Vitamins. Extra credit for any other good minerals, fish oil, etc

• 5 MF yummy things

• Dinner:  6 oz chicken or fish and veggies

• 2 extra oz of protein if a good workout

7am- up
Hot coffee, watched EWTN Mass on iPad with dogs on my lap
Quiet time and prayers, consecration to Mary retreat reading

8:15 Jz workout. Awesome. So good, happy, fun. Worked hard

9:30 Desk, Strawberry shake Yum. Satified

noon- hungry- day is getting eaten up in details. Have my training call at 1pm, need to get moving.
Slight frustration wtih usual people. Don't give in. Eat healthy. Don't forget water. Enough coffee.

12:15- Cheese Pizza bites and juicy diet coke.  Very good. Still a bit hungry.

4:30.. so far, so perfect. :)

Made some chicken to have around for family and ate 2 bites, Ok, part of dinner ration.

4:35- chocolate shakes with light whipped cream on top.  YUM!

6:30- Wonderful dinner.
8 oz chicken breast sauteed in olive oil, with salt, pepper and garlic
Medly of sauteed vegatbables, so savory.

7pm- Healthy chocolate pudding with low cal redi whip on top, with a club soda and watching episodes of Upstairs Downstairs.

Very full, very good.

Only mis-step, which was very small. Bryan cooked dinner and I had a bit of his turkey parmesean. Still pretty much on target, but was not hungry but ate anyway.

-------------------------------------------
What did I learn from today?
Plenty of food. Full.
It was hard in the evening.  I was scrouging for food.  I was not hungry, but tired.  My natural inclination is to look for something good to put in my mouth when I am tired.

Watching UPDOWN, saw over and over how Miss. Elizabeth when through trials and Rose would keep trying to get her to eat, but that was the last thing she wanted. Yes, the food did not look that great (except for the cakes and feasts) but that was not her inclination. Why is it my default.. something to ponder.

Wearing soime shorts and at least I can get in them (denim) but can see my dumpy figure. It would be nice to get rid of this excess and feel lean and stronger again.

Never never never never never never give up!

Day 8, 9, 10

Catch up

• Major challenge Thursday afternoon.  Tired, stressed, working hard, wanted food. Ate healthy on plan and told myself,  "you will have the same cashflow problem in 30 days either way, and it may be fixed. But whatever outcome, do you want to be healthier or heavier when it happens"

Truly right-on for me. Realizing life will keep happening, why not stay healthy and that is something I CAN control.

• Had a glass of wine from a bottle John left out Thursday night, so figured, I messed up, might as well go whole hog.
  

The old "All or Nothing" got me again.  ;/

• Felt so tired and crummy Friday had french fries for lunch in business meeting with staff. Brought healthy food, but ate FF. Humm.

• Stupendous work out Saturday.  Love that Jazzercise  Took my heavy weights and tailored workout to me. (Held the weights during the glut and quad standing crunch song) Only one doing it... felt like an odd duck, but was sore next day.  Yay

• Am enjoying eating lighter with some structure. Still craving protein. Keeping it around in the form of sauteed chicken breast, good.
• Excellent food for on the go. Love my bag of MF 'chips' and juicy diet coke when I go downtown to meetings. 

Day 7

I promised tojournal every day and have a ton to say but no time. SEe you tomorrow!